I developed an anxious-preoccupied attachment style due to childhood abuse, and my ex-husband was dismissive-avoidant. It was hell. Because I changed so much to the point I become avoidant for him too.
After leaving, I have worked so hard that I have a secure attachment style with one-off, anxious and/or avoidant cognitive distortions I recognize either right before I ever act on them, or the second I have a reaction based on past mechanisms and not present issues. It takes so much work, reflection, often professional help. I used to hate the word "mindfulness" until I realized it applies to this. Pausing to realize what is based on actual present situations vs. past traumas/experiences/coping mechanics. Taking a breath before reacting.
My partner and I tell each other when we think we need to cool down before saying something. We come back when calm, and have productive communication with healthy resolution (both having chronic illnesses requires SO MUCH communication and putting ego aside on both sides).
I am very avoidant with my mom because of her abuse. Slightly with other people. Not at all with my partner. I think that's an important part too: how multidimensional it is.
This was a great read. Thank you so much for sharing!!
Hi Andreia. Thank you so much for reading. And sharing your experience. What you say makes a lot of sense, especially re recognising the patterns from the past and not reenacting them today. But most of all, what I want to say is that you are absolutely right. We can have different attachment patterns to different people (and research confirms that today) and it is often a blind spot that we have in therapy world when we think about attachment. Attachment is not monolithic and can and does change with time. It is something that I am planning to write about in the future, as it is a very important point. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you so much! I’ll be genuinely excited to read your reflections on this, especially around what you think could be improved in the therapeutic world. I often notice how easily people can get stuck in a loop of trying to “fix” an anxious attachment style, as if that alone explains everything. Meanwhile, avoidant behaviours (which can be just as limiting and unhealthy) are often overlooked or even unconsciously reinforced without a balance. That imbalance can keep people locked in cycles where the real relational dynamics aren’t being addressed.
What you wrote about attachment not being monolithic really struck me, because it’s exactly this nuance that sometimes gets lost in therapy, imo: the reality that attachment patterns CAN shift even in small ways, and that they can look very different depending on the relationship. Yet many professionals still approach attachment as if it were a fixed identity, which ends up flattening something that is actually very fluid. I think bringing more of this perspective into the therapeutic space could really help people feel less pathologized, and more understood in the complexity of their relationships. Love love LOVE everything you write. 🩷
A really interesting read Ana, I love the research to support and explore the therapeutic theory.
I was in some training last night with comments about hemispheres of the brain 'switching on' at certain times, and while I squirmed in my seat, it reminded me of you and the last video of you speaking that I saw. I love how you can blend the 'hippie' therapy with science.
Thank you for reading Helen! That sounds interesting, I never heard that one: hemispheres are switching on/off at certain times - glad to see that the narrative is evolving 🙂. It's good to see that a leader the area of counselling/therapy for young people such as yourself is aware of those myths - if ever you want to write about it, in the context of counselling for young people, I am happy to support - just so you know and if ever needed.
Such an important question to ask ourselves when we start any romantic relationship. So sad that attachment is not taught in schools (or emotional intelligence in that regard). I was anxious / avoidant to my secure boyfriend for the first 2 years. Thank God we are both curious by nature and we worked our way through it, still going strong. Now I can see that pattern within myself, it’s like having two parts of me, the secure and the ambivalent who takes any decision and makes me either question myself or detaches completely. It’s exhausting, but I rather be conscious about it than not. Thanks for the read!
Yes! I would’ve continued a life of anxious - attachment relationships if it wasn’t because my partner saw through all that and we worked on it. I’m so grateful everyday.
Not at all. I make lots of mistakes and even if I go through the text several times prior, I always notice plenty after publishing. I don't mind you mentioning.
As much as I am fascinated by the wealth of this content, I still do have one question, maybe not related but how did you format the content, putting images inbtw and the upgrade button btw paragraph? I am new here and just learning my way around.
I developed an anxious-preoccupied attachment style due to childhood abuse, and my ex-husband was dismissive-avoidant. It was hell. Because I changed so much to the point I become avoidant for him too.
After leaving, I have worked so hard that I have a secure attachment style with one-off, anxious and/or avoidant cognitive distortions I recognize either right before I ever act on them, or the second I have a reaction based on past mechanisms and not present issues. It takes so much work, reflection, often professional help. I used to hate the word "mindfulness" until I realized it applies to this. Pausing to realize what is based on actual present situations vs. past traumas/experiences/coping mechanics. Taking a breath before reacting.
My partner and I tell each other when we think we need to cool down before saying something. We come back when calm, and have productive communication with healthy resolution (both having chronic illnesses requires SO MUCH communication and putting ego aside on both sides).
I am very avoidant with my mom because of her abuse. Slightly with other people. Not at all with my partner. I think that's an important part too: how multidimensional it is.
This was a great read. Thank you so much for sharing!!
Hi Andreia. Thank you so much for reading. And sharing your experience. What you say makes a lot of sense, especially re recognising the patterns from the past and not reenacting them today. But most of all, what I want to say is that you are absolutely right. We can have different attachment patterns to different people (and research confirms that today) and it is often a blind spot that we have in therapy world when we think about attachment. Attachment is not monolithic and can and does change with time. It is something that I am planning to write about in the future, as it is a very important point. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you so much! I’ll be genuinely excited to read your reflections on this, especially around what you think could be improved in the therapeutic world. I often notice how easily people can get stuck in a loop of trying to “fix” an anxious attachment style, as if that alone explains everything. Meanwhile, avoidant behaviours (which can be just as limiting and unhealthy) are often overlooked or even unconsciously reinforced without a balance. That imbalance can keep people locked in cycles where the real relational dynamics aren’t being addressed.
What you wrote about attachment not being monolithic really struck me, because it’s exactly this nuance that sometimes gets lost in therapy, imo: the reality that attachment patterns CAN shift even in small ways, and that they can look very different depending on the relationship. Yet many professionals still approach attachment as if it were a fixed identity, which ends up flattening something that is actually very fluid. I think bringing more of this perspective into the therapeutic space could really help people feel less pathologized, and more understood in the complexity of their relationships. Love love LOVE everything you write. 🩷
Awww thank you for the lovely feedback. Am I OK to post it on notes as I want to make a point about attachment change etc?
Ofc!! That would be amazing
A really interesting read Ana, I love the research to support and explore the therapeutic theory.
I was in some training last night with comments about hemispheres of the brain 'switching on' at certain times, and while I squirmed in my seat, it reminded me of you and the last video of you speaking that I saw. I love how you can blend the 'hippie' therapy with science.
Thank you for reading Helen! That sounds interesting, I never heard that one: hemispheres are switching on/off at certain times - glad to see that the narrative is evolving 🙂. It's good to see that a leader the area of counselling/therapy for young people such as yourself is aware of those myths - if ever you want to write about it, in the context of counselling for young people, I am happy to support - just so you know and if ever needed.
That's a really kind offer thank you and certainly one I'll keep in mind when thinking of ideas 😊
this was fascinating and amazing paper
Hey Shreyansh I am glad you liked it! Thanks for reading.
Such an important question to ask ourselves when we start any romantic relationship. So sad that attachment is not taught in schools (or emotional intelligence in that regard). I was anxious / avoidant to my secure boyfriend for the first 2 years. Thank God we are both curious by nature and we worked our way through it, still going strong. Now I can see that pattern within myself, it’s like having two parts of me, the secure and the ambivalent who takes any decision and makes me either question myself or detaches completely. It’s exhausting, but I rather be conscious about it than not. Thanks for the read!
Hi Carlota. So you managed to escape the anxious-avoidant trap. Nice! Thank you for reading!
Yes! I would’ve continued a life of anxious - attachment relationships if it wasn’t because my partner saw through all that and we worked on it. I’m so grateful everyday.
I love your columns. They contain great information. However, some copy editing wouldn’t go amiss.
Hey Mark. I know! I am so sorry - I am so bad with this. What did you find?
Nothing major. Sorry I mentioned it.
Not at all. I make lots of mistakes and even if I go through the text several times prior, I always notice plenty after publishing. I don't mind you mentioning.
https://substack.com/@themidnighttypist/p-169959190
As much as I am fascinated by the wealth of this content, I still do have one question, maybe not related but how did you format the content, putting images inbtw and the upgrade button btw paragraph? I am new here and just learning my way around.